[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
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My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
You got this…
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*