@shkeeber: I've been standing in IKEA with a lamp shade on my head for 3 days, hiding from the cops.
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@Breadery: Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink. Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP. Brain: Can you actually hear me?
@TheTweetOfGod: Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren't both opposed to it.
@TheHyyyype: [after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs] ME: there's gotta be a better way! WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
@sixthformpoet: An e-mail confirming you've unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you're not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.