God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
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ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.