@melibuff: I've been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
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@birbigs: Instead of presents, give your kids "presence." Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
@MarfSalvador: [Surprise party for girlfriend] Me: *Leading her in blindfolded* GF: Shouldn't I be wearing that?
@MichaelTrying: Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you've had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.