I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
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If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Blew my mind.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.