I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
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Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
😂😂
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.