I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
You Might Also Like
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.