I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
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Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Autocarrot sucks!
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.