Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
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One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.