I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
You Might Also Like
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do