I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
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Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
…żyje?
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.