I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
You Might Also Like
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas