@mrsmith196645: I've concluded English is my phone's second language. It's the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
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@SortaBadass: Naming your daughter after a luxury car or precious gemstone is a wager with the universe that your parenting can make her not be a stripper
@BCMontgo: [commercial for pants] *naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen* There has to be a better way!
@daemonic3: [CSI at Starbucks] "Ma'am you've been robbed. Suspect is at large." Barista: At what? "At large" At what? "At venti?" OMG HOW AWFUL!!!