@mrsmith196645: I've concluded English is my phone's second language. It's the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
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@ChrisScarlette: [pizza delivery] Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip* uh HELL YEAH! *pulls out phone* see that RT button?
@Coastiefish: This guy says he rides a bike 20 miles a day, and then runs 5 miles a day too. Yo bro, you gotta get a car.
@KeetPotato: doctor: "is there anything that runs in the family?" wife: "hm not really" me: "the dog jogs a lot"
@LizHackett: Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, "I'm wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!"