I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
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One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%