i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
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My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
guys I’m going home
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.