I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
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Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal