@goodhairperson: I've decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat "celebration of life" shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
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@jordan_stratton: ME: You're saying I'm not smart enough for this job? BOSS: Well, yes. ME: [points to computer] Just because I can't use the typewriter TV?
@squirrel74wkgn: My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
@RobTemple101: Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.