@AbbyHasIssues: I've deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
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@iwearaonesie: cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5 the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
@iAmDelFreaky: Axl Rose: Where do we go? Me: Left Axl: Where do we go now? Me: Straight. Axl: Oh, where do we go now? Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
@TheRealRHB: So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife's idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
@beefman138: I meant to type : You're dear to me. I actually typed : You're dead to me. Losing friends is easy.