I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
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Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
*skinny dips into black hole
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.