I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
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Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm