*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
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The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
#FunnyLife Insects
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired