Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
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Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Somebody’s lying.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma