@pattioshankable: I've discovered the best way to punish 17, is to put on the same outfit as her, then follow her around all day yelling out "TWINSIES!"
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@TheMichaelRock: Coworker: I can't believe my wife left me. I should of treated her better. Me *should have
@Mr_Kapowski: Is my iPhone named Freedom? Yes Do I never pick up phone calls on it? Also yes, because as an American, I let freedom ring
@maughammom: My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don't know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it's not.
@mugkip: "DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT" doc: u got lou gherrigs disease *cops barge in* ur under arrest "FOR WHAT" cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease