“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
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5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Happy Thanksgiving
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Pass gas, not judgment.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.