@pattioshankable: I've discovered the best way to punish 17, is to put on the same outfit as her, then follow her around all day yelling out "TWINSIES!"
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@Jack_Wagon1: Sometimes when I get a retweet... I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
@craigrachel: The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
@CornOnTheGoblin: "someone broke into your room... and peed on you while you were asleep" me: that's right, officer
@trevso_electric: Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won't understand how many calories are in it.