I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
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Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
damn he’s good
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
That’s amazing.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
This trial is so absurd 😭
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Sunday
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.