I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
You Might Also Like
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Jail
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday