I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
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You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing