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5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next