[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
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Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.