I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
You Might Also Like
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”