I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
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coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
“Sheer Arrogance”
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER