I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
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[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.