I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
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alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”