I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
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You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.