I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
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absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
being a writer on Twitter:
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
mumsnet is amazing
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
What about second breakfast?
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Generation gap…
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.