@meganamram: I've got a "bun" (baby) in the "oven" (oven)
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@DrunksWithGuns: If you blast Foreigner's "I Want To Know What Love Is", the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
@ruinedpicnic: Humans pretend to be smart but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we're suddenly gonna have x-ray vision
@ArchiePeeler: Giving our 3-yr-old son the big news... Wife: We're having a baby! Son: Keep it in there. Me: Well, we can't -- Son: Keep. It. In.
@baconacid: *drops mic* *drops mic* *drops mic* *drops mic* *drops mic* *drops mic* *drops mic* *drops mic* Octopus after owning some1 in a rap battle