I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
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A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Cndnsd Mlk
Candles never taste the way they smell
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.