Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
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I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.