“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
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COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude