Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
You Might Also Like
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted