I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
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P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Nice try, poison.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I laughed at this way too hard.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am