I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
You Might Also Like
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
The glory of fall.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
*jazz hands*
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*