I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
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whenever i wake up before my alarm
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.