I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
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Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
*limbos under the caution tape
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret