I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
You Might Also Like
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”