I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
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83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.