i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
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Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
lost dog
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
A dad and his duck
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
bout dat hot dog summer
I love twitter
When news reporters do sports stories
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.