@Kyle_Lippert: I've had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
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@TheWoodenslurpy: I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
@Ristolable: ME: Sorry boss, I can't make it in today. Because of Ebola. BOSS: You have Ebola? ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
@causticbob: If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this. You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
@buck4itt: They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.