I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
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I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more