If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
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Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.