Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
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My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.