I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
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You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
screw you
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.