I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
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Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.