I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
You Might Also Like
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Meowchelangelo
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.