I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
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Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Spotted in New Orleans.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS