I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
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Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.