Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
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To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat