I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
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may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Why font matters.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I beg your pardon?
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.