I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
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Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”